a summary of events

I have a really good excuse for not writing: I was busy keeping my torrid affair with Ryan Gosling secret from the tabloids so Eva Mendes wouldn't get her feelings hurt. Because I'm sensitive like that.

And as much as I would like to fill you in on the details of said affair, some things truly are sacred. So instead, let's talk about other highlights of the past month. (Right? I can't believe it's June either. Time flies so quickly when you are creepily hiding under in Ryan Gosling's bed.)

Racing

Early in May, I went to the Oregon Coast with a few girls from the team for "ladies' race weekend." We did the Oregon Dunes Triathlon, a teeny-tiny but very well-organized race with a cold swim, a hilly ride and a trail run that finishes on a giant sand dune.

I successfully took the ugliest race photos I have ever taken in my entire life. Please join me now in a chorus of hysterical laughter.

"Hey, Ryan Gosling, I'm coming for you!"

And since racing is all about being as serious as possible, us gals decided "ladies race weekend" would not be complete without a shimmy at the finish line, so this is my attempt at dancing up a giant sand dune.

Mad skillz.

By some bizarre turn of events, I placed second in my age group. (I bet it was the dancing that did it.) This was a complete surprise -- in fact, I was about to leave the coast and start driving to Portland when my friend Kelly texted me and told me I should come back to the awards ceremony. I got there just in time for the announcer to call my name and hand me this:

Who doesn't like a solid piece of wood?

My race times were pretty mediocre, but still an improvement from my last sprint. The breakdown:

Swim: 20:44 (this is really good for me)

T1: 3:24 (got my new wetsuit stuck on my ankle)

Bike: 45:01 (not my best at all)

T2: 1:08

Run: 29:54 (again, not my best)

But there were only six people in my age group, so I still got to feel like a winner for being completely and totally ordinary.

The Car

It is now fixed and no longer looks like the poster child for gorilla tape.

The Tooth

This, however, has turned into a never-ending clusterfuck of ridiculous. First, X-rays have also revealed I have a secret tooth growing directly behind the dead tooth, therefore blocking where the fake tooth needs to go, so I have to get not just one, but two teeth extracted. (And all of this is happening next week, by the way.) And since I've waited so long to get this done, there's a strong chance the bone under my teeth is worn down, so I will need a bone graft and then have to wait for said bone graft to heal before I can actually get my fake tooth put in.

Which means I have to wear a temporary fake tooth for up to four months. That's right, folks, I will have a denture and a gaping hole at the front of my mouth for months. ("Hey, Ryan Gosling, I'm coming for you!")

And let's not forget the fact that I need someone to baby-sit me for 24 hours after I have my surgery. Cats aren't exactly helpful when it comes to making sure you take your meds and don't get lost in a drug-induced haze on the way to the bathroom and accidentally pee on your couch.

The Birthday

I'm officially "in my late 30s" which translates to "effing old." (See previous section about dentures and needing a baby-sitter.) But that doesn't mean I can't celebrate. I just need to make sure said celebrations end early so I make my bedtime.

Some highlights:

First, the post-race weekend in Portland.

The juxtaposition of wine and Vitamin Water, protein bars and cake.

Please tell me where I can buy that hamburger hat.

Then, these treats.

I actually did wear them to team swim.

May or may not be from Ryan Gosling.

My favorite aunt totally gets me.

So does Layla.

And finally, happy hour at my very favorite bar ever ...

... followed by gluten-free birthday ramen and a flight of Japanese whisky ...

... and some Jello shots at a gay bar.

Ryan Gosling took this photo, just fyi.