Wednesday, August 26, 2015

very sexy dream angel v-string pull buoy

Today got a little crazy with work and multiple health-related appointments (don't even ask about the tooth right now -- this is truly a never-ending saga of stupid) and other events, so I didn't get my swim in until later this evening.

And my swim had really, really long intervals (100s on 3:00 -- plenty of time to wonder about important things like if I fart while swimming, can other swimmers tell or do the bubbles just look like normal swimming bubbles) so it took me a really, really long time to finish the workout. As a result, by the time I was done, there was no one else in the pool area except me.

And The Random Lady in the Jacuzzi.

Who was very interested in my pull buoy.

Random Lady: "Where did you get that?"

Me: "This? I brought it from my house."

Random Lady: "It looks like it's from Victoria's Secret. It's their colors. Like if you buy $70 worth of panties, they give it to you for free. I would buy $70 worth of panties if they were giving that away."

(The cats in this photo give zero effs about swimming.)

I will never look at my pull buoy the same way again.

Monday, August 24, 2015

how to do it wrong

Fly to the Midwest for "vacation." Drink wine and Japanese whisky to celebrate finally being reunited with one of your favorite people in the whole entire world. Stuff your face with sushi in the shape of a dragon.


When you are so full you can barely function, waddle back to the apartment, where you will then decide there is no better time than now to adjust the road bike you rented. Allow your favorite person to then convince you it is a good idea to test the bike fit by attempting to ride down the hallway of his apartment.

Immediately crash into the wall on your left, bounce off of it, smash your face against the wall on the right and then end up in a heap on the floor, still clipped in to your pedals. Laugh hysterically while your favorite person tries to drag you back into his apartment before the neighbors come out and ask you why the hell you are riding bikes in the hallway in the first place.

Spend the rest of the evening trying to casually ice your face and appear totally nonchalant about your human pinball impression. Fail completely.

But still somehow manage to get up the next day for a five-hour ride.


Complete the ride, despite the fact that your right shifter is now crooked and your face is so sore it hurts to smile. Pray that your favorite person's family doesn't notice the bruise that is slowly but surely forming on your cheek.

(That may or may not be a Timberwolves shirt.)


Watch helplessly as the bruise gets progressively greener every day.

Return to Seattle. End up on the train back from the airport next to a strange man who is wearing nothing but a bedsheet. When he smiles at you, think: "Wow, Mr. Bedsheet is really nice and maybe isn't all that big of a weirdo!"

And then realize you have a bruise on your face, so Mr. Bedsheet may look sane in comparison.

Monday, August 17, 2015

work event, by the numbers

1: Major fundraising events benefiting a good cause but resulting in complete and total brain-frying

6: Guests hosted on a four-day media tour during the fundraising event

1: Guests who grew up in the Depression Era and didn't believe in wasting anything and downed every single glass of wine and got tanked and stood up in the middle of winery appointments and announced: "We are all so grateful to be here, but I have to leave right now"

1: Guests who received the nickname "Drunk Grandma" 

3: Cloth napkins used by Drunk Grandma during a dinner (which she left early) because she kept dropping them on the floor


1: Incidents involving Drunk Grandma sleeping in public

1: Incidents involving Drunk Grandma getting lost at Hempfest because she was grateful for her guided food tour of Seattle but had to leave "right now"

1: Incidents involving Drunk Grandma yelling at me for leaving her bag in a car only to discover she had the bag with her the entire time

1: Incidents involving Drunk Grandma forgetting her credit cards and ID in the hotel safe after she checked out

11: Frantic texts/calls between public relations people and/or the hotel to obtain the forgotten credit cards and ID and return them to Drunk Grandma

0: Wallets found in a hotel safe containing Drunk Grandma's credits cards and ID

2: Envelopes found in a hotel safe containing Drunk Grandma's credit cards and ID 

I can't even make this up.

3: Workouts missed because of the tour

8: Weeks left until Ironman Louisville

99: Percentage of guilt and stress due to missed workouts

3: Steaks consumed out of stress


1: Cocktail dress worn despite the steaks

3: Awkward cocktail dress photos taken with a toilet in the background

I also can't make this shit up.

1: Photo that says it all


1: Whiskey consumed at the Octopus Bar with Annie when it was all over