Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Things I wish I could tell you but I won't because I also wish you would get colon cancer and die alone and friendless, or at least just shit your pants at work:

I don't care if you think I'm a terrible person. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm a terrible person. I'm done being nice and neat. Because who I am right now is raw and messy and borderline nuts, but I'm real. And these last few weeks? I'm realizing they've been a strange kind of gift, like if someone gave you a latrine and at first you thought WTF but then later you hung it on the wall and called it art and the whole world applauded.

I found a new favorite coffee drink this morning: A latte with cardamom-infused simple syrup, hemp milk and orange rind. I like to think of it as the craft cocktail of coffee. I wish you could try it, but it's too good for you.

I also wish you could try this because it's awesome, but again, you don't really deserve awesome or have the ability to comprehend what awesome is.

Remember your wine country doppelgänger? This is what he did recently. Yes, yet another controversy. God, you evil twins are nothing but drama.

Tonight I went to the pho place we used to always go to, and they were surprised when I asked for a table for one. They were also surprised when I didn't order the chicken noodle soup. But guess what? My new order was better. From now on, only beef broth with fried tofu instead of meat. Also, the book I'm reading is more interesting than you are.

This heartrate training thing that Coach Mark has me doing really works. Which means that I can easily punch you in the face and kick you in the balls while still remaining in Zone 1.

I am in love with all of the found art here in Seattle. Therefore I hope all of it stays hidden from you.

Frank's fashion sense continues to evolve. I describe it as "this dead rabbit head is more handsome and manly than your chihuahua."

(This may be the most fun post I've ever written. I'm excited to not share it with you ever.)

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