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I can't even

Recently I wore the nightshirt my favorite aunt gave me for Christmas.

Of course I cropped my face out of this photo. Duh.

It says: "How to Sleep with a Cat." And illustrates all of the different poses.

And then I realized I will probably never have sex again in my entire life. (Please note the nightshirt is so bad that even the cat didn't want to be photographed with it.)

Also, just for good measure, today I found out I have to get a fake tooth. I went to the dentist and told him the story about the time my face battled a bathroom sink and how one of my front teeth has since become a weather barometer. He looked at X-rays and discovered a crack across my tooth and the start of an infection at the root. And he said I could get a root canal, but I would probably still end up losing the tooth anyway, so I should just go to an oral surgeon and get the whole damn thing pulled out and put an implant in.

"But other than that, everything looks fine!" he said.

Right. Because people who are "fine" sleep in the world's ugliest nightshirts and have fake teeth.

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