my return to the pool

I’m happy to say I’m back in the pool and have been swimming pain-free for the past three weeks, which is great.

But you know what’s not great?

When you’re in the middle of a set and you feel random strands of stray hair winding themselves around your fingers. And you know in your heart of hearts that this is not your hair.

And then when you get to the wall and can finally stop swimming and check your hand, you discover a bird's nest of horror:

 Please pardon the gagging sounds.

what's in a name

A friend sent this to me ...

... and apparently I’m the Talented Glitter Biscuit-Wonder Bush. It’s great and all that my vagina is pretty much a circus of joy, and I’m completely on board with being more open about discussing vaginas and vagina-related things. (I may or may not have had too much Japanese whiskey once and given everyone a lecture on how we need to talk about vaginas more because the world is far too penis-centric, and when I’m passionate about something, I get really animated, so I spilled wine on the coffee table, and then Big Ginger made me drink water and go home, and then the next day I told him I feel zero remorse because it’s my duty as a partner to challenge him to be his best self.)

However, what about this blog’s name?

Biscuiterie.

This is the French word for “cookie maker” or “cookie factory.” I started this blog when I was really into food and baking. I’m still into food and baking, only now I talk about triathlon and cats way more than I talk about cupcakes. But I figured I didn’t need to change my blog name because this is a personal blog, and I should be able to evolve and write about whatever I want. (For the record, my Twitter and Instagram handles are also @biscuiterie because someone somewhere told me consistency on social media is a good thing.)

But if "biscuit" is another word for "vagina," it seems I’ve inadvertently dubbed myself THE VAGINA FACTORY.

That’s right. “You get a circus of joy! And you get a circus of joy! We all get circuses of joy!” I’m like the vaginal Oprah, my friends.

And let's not forget that I also have pictures of cats everywhere and we all know what "pussy" means so basically I am ALL VAGINA, ALL THE TIME.

A more sensible lesser person would perhaps change blog names and social media handles. But I am not that person. Instead, I'd like to bake some multi-colored cookies, call them Glitter Biscuits, and hand them out while wearing this shirt.

 

Because circus of joy.

you should visit me

Last weekend Annie visited me in Minneapolis for the first time. (Side note: It is really hard to convince people to visit you in Minneapolis. Everyone thinks it is always cold here, all the time. And I guess it doesn’t help that we’ve had the longest winter ever and when I look at my Instagram posts, all I see are pictures of snow. And some cats. And cats in snow. Apparently I’ve become the most boring person ever, which also doesn’t help when you’re trying to convince people to visit you.)

I asked Annie what she wanted to do, and she said she wanted to see all of my favorite things. So I pointed toward the living room and said: “These are my cats.”

Just kidding. I swear, I didn't make Annie sit on the couch and inhale cat dander all weekend. I really do leave the house and do things besides shovel my driveway.

To prove it, here is a list of my Minneapolis favorites, the go-to spots I like to show out-of-town visitors. (Assuming anyone else ever visits. Seriously, please visit. I miss you.)

This is The Egg at Martina. It is unbelievable.

Eat

• Martina: They serve a chai-flavored cocktail in an egg-shaped vessel made of ice. Ice! It is amazing. And so is the rest of the menu.
• Revival: Because gluten-free fried chicken that tastes like real fried chicken. And if you don't like chicken, the burger is also incredible.
• Kyatchi: My favorite sushi spot. And they have wacky hot dogs. And awesome sake flights. And a black sesame panna cotta that I want to drown myself in. 
• Victor’s 1959 Café: Cuban brunch!
• Midtown Global Market: Korean fusion, camel burgers, pho, tacos, and a brewery all under one roof.
• Corner Table: $45 for a blow-your-mind, super-fancy three-course meal. And these folks also know their wines -- the list is impressive (and makes me miss my previous life in the wine world). 
• Gyst: A fermentation bar! And so much focus on the story behind what you're eating and drinking.
• Izzy’s Ice Cream: All of the ice cream. God, I love ice cream.

I could eat this fried chicken every day.

Drink

• Tattersall Distilling: Craft cocktails for like $8. A cool industrial space. Good people-watching.
• Constantine: More craft cocktails. Plus a $6 cheeseburger wrapped in paper -- sort of like fast-food heaven, but with a glass of fancy whiskey.
• Marvel Bar: Even more craft cocktails! But in a speakeasy setting. (Also, I'm realizing that I really don't go out for drinks very much anymore. I don't have a go-to neighborhood bar.)
• Surly: This place is cool if you can drink beer. I can't drink beer because it makes me crap my pants. But I'll be your DD and eat the meat board while you drink. 

Outdoor sightseeing

• Chain of Lakes: Best place for running, walking, paddle-boarding, people-watching, you name it. Love the lake lifestyle here.
• Minnehaha Falls: Because it's awesome to have a legit waterfall within city limits.
• Stone Arch Bridge: Iconic Minneapolis.
• Minneapolis Sculpture Garden: One of the first places Big Ginger took me when I visited him. It's been recently renovated and is gorgeous. And there's mini golf in the summer!

Current exhibition at my work.

Indoor sightseeing

• My place of employment: Admission is free, and there's something for everyone. And I'm so proud to work there!
• Guthrie Theater: See a show, or just walk to the balcony area and check out the amazing view of the Mississippi River.
• Wild Rumpus: A kids' bookstore with live animals! There is a cat, chicken, tarantula, ferret, chinchilla and more. I hate my parents for not bringing me here when I was a child. I don't care that they raised me in Southern California and we knew no one who lived in Minneapolis. That is beside the point.
• Open Book: Home to the Minnesota Center for Book Arts. I love the coffee shop (the chai is the best I've had in the city) and browsing titles at Milkweed Editions.

relationship insights

You are probably looking at this picture and wondering why the hell I am trying to set my coat closet on fire.

The answer: Someone (who shall remain nameless but who has a penis and lives in my house and isn’t a cat) shut the basement door last night, so the cats couldn’t get to the litter boxes.

So there was runny poop in the closet this morning.

And the entire house smells like runny poop.

And I was late for work today because I had to scrub the floor with enzymatic cleaner and then spray it with wood oil. And then that nameless someone (who thought the poop was a cat toy and picked it up with his bare hand, and naturally freaked out and dropped the poop on our shoes, so those had to be cleaned too) decided a scented candle would make everything better.

During times like these, I cling to the quote that goes something like, "Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew poop, the runniest, stinkiest poop ever that binds people together through the years."